Black and Muslim
A poem by Hafsah Mbotoli
Do you know what it feels like to have your entire belief system overload with doubt?
To never know the day that you would finally live beyond the shadow of doubt.
Every night I lay my head down to sleep, the city of my mind is attacked by a legion of questions threatening the living rooms of my sanity and holding them hostage.
I am an open book judged by my cover.
I remember sitting in a classroom and the only thing being tested is my faith in Allah.
I remember when I was in a taxi on my way home, when I was physically abused by an old man because I was black and Muslim.
As if my skin invalidates my faith.
Injustice in this world is just to prove that this world isn’t of justice it just is.
I have lived in darkness for so long.
Sometimes I desperately want what the Imam is saying to be true, but my doubts are preaching a sermon of their own and the streams of my tears turned into a sea of frustration.
Over and over I dwell on this issue.
Watching time go by just added to the pain.
I am too tired to be honest.
And I am too hurt to pretend.
It is getting kinda heavy.
I cannot handle all the baggage.
I try to make you understand, but you don’t even care how I feel.
I feel like I am talking foreign telling you something important but you take my words and ignore them.
I try to show you that I am Black, but I can also be Muslim.
But why do I even bother?
My identity has never been received in the best way.
If I know who I am.
Not everyone else got to believe me, even though they are wrong don’t need to prove them right.
Opinions irrelevant.
No one benefits.
I am black and Muslim two identities that complements me.
It’s evident.
May Allah swt make it easy for you my sister. We fight a battle witch we seem to be loosing with society being uneducated and illiterate,so to cover there scars they torment others but I make dua that Allah swt make our Imaan strong so we can look past this mountains and keep good faith in only He’s promise then Insha Allah this will all be minor issues to us. I remember 8yrs ago coming into the deen where society moked me when seeing me in hijab because i was christian before I got into debates constantly where people felt I have forsaken god but they didnt get the revelation I got which brought me to Islam and even today when I explain they still cannot understand but Alhumdulillah Allah swt chose me saw me fit for the deen and im proud to be part of his ummah.